I've been banned from the local supermarket.

I didn't like shopping there anyway. I always pick the wrong queue, you know - either the person in front has forgotten half their shopping and wanders off back around the shop to get said items, or they've picked up the one and only item in the shop that hasn't got a barcode, or they pay with a hundred pound note that the girl on the till needs to have examined by every member of staff beofre she'll accept it - that kind of thing. Anyway, yesterday I was at my local store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

Unbelievable. What did she think I had? An elephant? So, I had some time on my hands and felt I couldn't let this pass, so on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 14 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

She looked at me in disbelief, but I explained it was very popular over in the States and that I was 26 stone before I used the diet last time (anyone that's ever met me will understand how unlikely a story that is!). Mention the good old USA and people will believe anything. At this point I was aware that just about everyone in the shop was listening intently to my story!

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with tasty Winalot kibble and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry instead of having regular meals. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again as I've been piling on the pounds recently, and besides European legislation means that dog food has to be fit for human consumption.

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's back end and a car hit me!

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

And that is why they banned me

Brilliant.

Fantastic, must try that sometime

Loving this little "tail". My daughter and I are still laughing now, 10mins after finishing your wee story